Friday, November 27, 2009

Crashing the White House, Friday, November 27, 2009

Obama's first state dinner went well, except for the fact that it was crashed. Unbelievable? Nope! A couple passed the regular security measures it takes to enter the party, the addition security measures the White House is likely to have at all times, and the high security it probably had for this event, including the Secret Service.

It's true, Tareq looks like she could probably sneak past anything without being seen, but hey, that's what models do I guess. Michaele on the other hand, has a little more umph to his belly but perhaps he hid under her dress.

Anyway, the poor poor Secret Service Directly Mark Sullivan said, "the Secret Service is deeply concerned and embarrassed". Well thank you for admitting it. But can we work out those kinks pretty soon? It might result in suicide bombing, anthrax, or Bruno walking through the doors. Either one would be fatal.

This is the evidence that the Secret Service most definitely dropped the ball that night. Look how happy the fame seekers are, awww!

"The couple who attended the event without an invitation did meet the president in the receiving line," a White House official said.

Good Morning America reported, "the guest of honor, Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh can be seen in the background, apprarently on the same receiving line. It is standard protocol at a state dinner for the president to introduce guests in the receiving line to the visiting head of state.

Sullivan said his agency's probe into the matter continues. 'The preliminary findings of our internal investigation have determined established protocols were not followed at an initial checkpoint, [specifically, the failure to verify] that two individuals were on the guest list,' he said. 'As our investigation continues, appropriate measures have been taken to ensure this is not repeated.'"

But the White House isn't worried, they released a statement saying they were not worried about their current protection. Phew! didn't want that to happen. 

So why would you want to crash the White House? Well the Secret Service investigations have found their obsession with being in the "limelight" so they say. They have found evidence via facebook that the couple has taken pictures with many different actors, singers, and celebrities. Now they can add Obama to their list thanks to our extra protective secret goons.

"It is a real concern if they would have had a different intent," Brad Garrett, a former FBI agent, said. "Could they have possibly physically attacked somebody? Of course they could have. They would have been wrestled to the ground and taken away. But it is a real concern about people's ability to penetrate security and then be next to people that it would be a huge issue if something happened to them."

Moral of the day: The White House and their events aren't that cool, you could probably spend your time somewhere else having more fun and not ending up in handcuffs [maybe].

Michael Brewer, Burned Over a Video Game, Friday, November 27, 2009

Does anyone remember Michael Brewer? The 15 year old boy from South Florida that was set on fire by his fellow classmates?

Well, if you don't, here's the run down. Last month police received a phone call with a pleading voice on the other end screaming for help and trying to explain that one of the students "just caught on fire". 


In the background, Michael screaming in agony after just being dosed with alcohol and lit on fire. Somehow, he found the pool and threw himself into it, saving his own life. The woman on the phone could barely tell the police where she was, clearly in shock from the tragic and hateful crime.

What I find crazy and disturbing is when the woman on the phone was asked how this happen, she promptly asked Michael but he replied only with, "I don't know! I don't know!" Even after the trauma and arriving in the emergency room he still said he did not know who did this to him.

In another call made by another woman, the dispatcher asks: "They put gas on him and they lit him on fire?" She replies: "Uh-huh." In all, authorities recorded calls totaling 28 minutes, some rather calm, detached reporting of the facts, while the boy's anguish is evident in others.

This is a picture of Michael in the emergency room.

Five teenagers were charged with aggravated battery in the burning Monday, October 12 which authorities said was prompted by a dispute over a video game that escalated when someone tried to steal a bicycle that belonged to the burned boy's father.

Insane? Horrific? What-the-hell-is-this-world-coming-to? Yes, yes, and yes. When you were a freshman in high school, could you ever believe someone your own age could light another classmate on fire? I cannot imagine the tragedy I would feel if it did.

One of the teens accused flicked a lighter after Brewer was doused with rubbing alcohol. He faces an attempted second-degree murder charge. All of the teens at that time faced the possibility of having their cases moved to adult court.

Michael Brewer received skin grafts, therapy, and surgery.

Updated this past Wednesday, Good Morning America reported that the younger brother of one of the boys accused, friend of Michael Brewer, and also witness to the event, came out to police today to give more details of the incident.

Another thing I find hard to imagine, choosing to condemn your brother to a fate decided by the justice system.

Because of the new evidence, the five boys accused are being tried as adults. Trial has not begun.

Moral of the day: Don't leave any flammable substances in the reach of your raging, rebellious kids. Don't play with fire. Keep track of the water sources around you at all times.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Sarah Palin: Going Rogue, Tuesday Novmber 17, 2009

This is the Sarah Palin we all know and love.

This is the Sarah Palin that is being forced upon us.

Sarah Palin's new book Going Rogue was set to hit stores today. Here's what one reviewer thought:

There are many kinds of truth. There are truths based on facts, truths based on faith, and truths based on something that sounds as if it should be true (truthiness). Then there's the kind of truth we find in Sarah's book: stories and concepts that become truths simply because she states them. She's a lot like our Lord and Savior, Glen Beck, in that respect.

Sometimes, she states truths that would be considered ludicrous if uttered by someone else. Her claim that the McCain campaign forced her to spend $150,000 in RNC funds to dress her family in designer clothes is one example of that. Although it might be easier to believe that she acted like a trailer park Zsa Zsa who'd found a credit card left behind at a possum feed, she blames McCain staffers. That's good enough for us, because we have faith; we want to believe her truths.

But the book isn't perfect. As much as I enjoyed the few short paragraphs in which Mrs Palin laid out her policy objectives, she could have condensed it all into one sentence: "I'm going to grab an Oxo Good Grips Stainless Serving Spatula and go all mavericky on your non-white, non-Christian and non-heterosexual butts."

The book also fails to expose Mrs. Palin's intellectual brilliance and keen grasp of foreign policy issues. Why wasn't the text of her recent speech in Hong Kong included? Although it remains secret, it's rumored that she viciously rebuked the Vietcong king for his assault on the Empire State Building. That's a speech we've been waiting for nearly 75 years to hear. It's big news and should have been included.

As you read other reviews of this book, please remember that Mrs. Palin has many enemies who are eager to pan her work. The Palin family's most potent nemesis, Levi's johnston, is no dpubt fully erect and ready to spew globs of misfortune upon them for a third time. And reason-adoring intellectuals are certain to point out that an interview on Good Morning Topeka doesn't qualify as a policy summit in the Far East.

But a few bad reviews won't stop her. She's seen much worse from her kitchen window. It can't be pleasant to gaze upon Antichristograd every morning as you brew your coffee.

My review isn't complete, but I think I'll quit anyway, because writing reviews, like governing, is just too darned hard to finish.
David Letterman is another who made it obvious he was not about to enjoy the book. He did a skit on the top ten things to do besides read Palin's book which included crashing a car into a tree. He also put together a list of the top ten surprises in Going Rogue.

On top of her new book release, Palin also had a nice long talk with Barbara Walters where one of the many things discussed was this skit. Palin's response was his jokes weren't that funny anyway.
Also in said interview she answered questions about her blow out talks with Katie Couric; like the time she couldn't name any supreme court cases besides Rowe v Wade.

Besides the political shitter Palin has puked into, she also got a chance to discuss her family. Her youngest daughter said she thought mommy's moose hot dogs with cheese in the middle were her favorite dinner.  In relating news, her eldest daughter, Bristol, has a bouncing baby boy which Palin describes as coming as quite a shock. In a serious moment, she describes feeling like she slightly failed her daughter by not talking about safe sex.

Oops! Getting into hot waters you sneaky dog Barbara you. Trying to give Palin the slip on the abortion topic? No worries, Palin steered clear of this media mess up by saying that she would "council her [daughter] in choosing life."

In ending news, Palin says she has no intention of running for president in 2012 (even though we all know the world is ending anyway) but she can't see what is in store for her that long down the road. Her goal is to help America, where ever they choose to have her.

Moral of the day: If you decide to run for vice president, know the names of at least five newspapers, the New York Times for example, as well as whether or not the high school in your surrounding area has sex ed. Don't say anything on TV that might make you look stupid, Tina Fey might do a damn good impersonation of it.

side note: this video is actually some guy trying to say fox news is biased towards the republican party and disfavors the liberals... I don't want to get into that but this was the only video I could actually embed to show the skit.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Illinois Attempts to Save Lives, Monday November 16, 2009

Our generation is that of gadgets, gizmos, and new technology. We live in a virtual world, even while driving.

We’ve seen people do it, we’ve all been the culprit, texting while driving is now listed under the “dangerous things to do while ‘watching the road’”. While texting is on the rise, so are related car accidents.

Starting January 1, 2010, Illinois will attempt to save lives by enforcing the “no texting rule” while driving like the eighteen other states in the US that have similar whiplash rules. Likewise, President Obama, in September, signed an executive order banning federal workers from texting while driving on the job or in government-owned vehicles.

According to the RedEye, drivers are twenty three times more likely to get into a crash than drivers who are not distracted. According to the Virginia Tech Transportation Institute, that’s more risky that trying to make a simple phone call while behind the wheel. They also released studies that showed drivers who text had their eyes off the road for an average of 4.6 seconds which by the way would be enough time to traverse a freakin’ football field going under highway speed limits. Geesh.

Not only are text-drivers worse that call-drivers… they are also worse than drunk drivers! What?! Yes, it’s true. People who text are less competent on the road that drunk drivers. Doesn’t that make you feel like your in danger basically any time your in a car? Think about it, on a Monday afternoon, clear skies, not a worry in the world, and who would have thought you would be in more peril than a Friday night snowstorm in Chicago.

As an interesting side note, surveyed 3,000 drivers and found that men were most distracted by road rage, eating, drinking, and checking out other drivers. Women on the other hand, were most distracted by kids in the car, putting on makeup, and messing with the radio. No one listed texting… probably because it seems just like making a phone call. Well get with it Chicago, you may get a major fine if caught on the road 'number' punching.

This is really just a reaction of our generation to technological advances that are not going to get any better. According to the RedEye more than 740 billion texts were reportedly sent in the first half of 2009 which is nearly double since 2008. I also feel that those numbers may have risen because kids are sick of having to call their parents, and therefore teach them to text too.

Anyway, driver distraction is reported to be involved in sixteen percent of fatal crashes and twenty one percent of injury related crashes. No wonder Obama and Illinois are trying to get texters off the road. They should put up signs like the “click it or ticket” ones but they would read texting = firery explosion and subsequent death (I tried really hard to make a rhyme work, but I couldn’t, so if you think of a good one, please share).

So in conclusion,
35% of people report driving feels less safe today than five years ago
31% cite distracted driving as the reason to this feeling of danger
21% of people admit to texting while driving
90% of people rate driving a car after drinking alcohol as a serious threat to their safety
87% rate drivers who text as a serious threat to their safety
95% of people say texting while driving is completely or somewhat unacceptable

Moral of the day: leave your phone at home for a day… and if you’re like me, and leaving your phone at home for a day due to your lack of memory happens often, do it for a week. You would be amazed how relaxing it is to not constantly be texting or constantly be worried that your friends will think your weird because you aren’t texting them back.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Women Found to be More Dangerous to Themselves and Others, Tuesday November 10, 2009

Friday night in Boston a woman was almost crushed by a Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority train. Said woman, obviously not aware of her dangerous proximity to the safety line, staggering in the clutches of a high blood alcohol level, put her life as well as the physical and mental well-being of others in danger;

All for the love of a cigarette. After lighting her smoke, it appears that she might be looking for the train when she stumbles and falls flat on her face as the train lights can be seen coming. Scary, right? She attempts to stumble herself to a higher altitude, but does not succeed and barely misses electrocution  on the third rail.

Fellow to-be passengers witness the fall and after realizing a lack in the safety department, vigorously, almost animalistically, start waving their hands to get the attention of the driver. One man even stood well passed the safety line, partially inside the tunnel, in desperate hopes to help. Inches before causing tragedy, the train driver pulls to the halt and the intelligent drunk women was pulled to safety.

This woman caused near termination to herself, as well as possible injury to the crazy man in the tunnel,

as well as possibly disrupting the mental well being of all other MBTA passengers that night.

In a different story, another woman is said to be a danger to herself as well as society. Her name is Elizabeth Lambert. Team member of University of New Mexico woman's soccer has been charged with unsportsmanlike conduct in their game against BMU.

As you can see in this video Lambert is a fan of kicking, punching, and pulling all in the name of soccer. We have received information that all of the girls that Lambert inflicted pain upon have had mental health issues and are currently unable to distinguish the difference between a soccer ball and a  dalmatian stuffed animal. Not only is the health of the BMU team in jeopardy, little girls around the nation watching the news and Youtube have instantly acted similarly after viewing this shocking footage. And not to mention the mental state of America, the nation of sports in HD.

These are only two of the countless women who are consistently putting themselves and others in danger. Reports show that three out of four women cross the street when the red hand is lit up meaning 75 percent of women are, like we said, dangerous to themselves and others. This may be intentioned danger or inadvertent danger but the statistics show that you should not play contact sports or have dance-offs with women any longer.

How should you avoid being mentally and/or physically hurt by a woman? Move to Boystown, where they are less populated, do not go to the bars in general, and wear a sign on your back that clearly states your intentions of a five foot radius.

Moral of the day: First learn to walk, then learn to dance, then learn to drink, and of course don't turn your back to an angry soccer blonde.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Healthcare Coverage, Monday November 9, 2009

This past Saturday made history in the United States of America with the House approval of President Obama's scary-slightly intimidating-controversial-new health care bill. After the count, the bill passed in the House of Representatives with a vote ratio of 220 to 215. Jesus that was a close one.

There are many, many, many different views on this subject matter which can and should be explored before taking the appropriate side but that is a different, very extensive news post waiting to happen, as well as the consumption of much coffee. The victory made history because it has been the "furthest any proposed health care overhaul has gotten since Medicare was created in 1965" says the RedEye. And it's not like this is over, the Senate is much harder to impress, or so I hear.

Obama called it a, "courageous vote for many members of Congress" (RedEye). But from a different perspective, one that may touch home a bit more than distant alien health care bills, the RedEye also

ran a story on young adults, their lack of health care coverage, and its detrimental effects.

You may have a friend, relative, or someone close to you that may have been in a similar situation, a deadly one at that. Louisa Ferrer, a 26 year old nanny formally living in Chicago, has not had health care since she left college five years ago. Being a nanny, like some people I know, her employer does not offer a health care plan. On top of that she was turned down by individual health insurance as being too "high risk" due to previous health issues. Well there's an uncrackable nut in a steel nutcracker.

She has not seen a doctor in three years, until recently she started cough up blood after three weeks of flu like symptoms. Like many other young adults, she basically waited till death was knocking on her door before getting treated, which in other cases might be too late. Young adults are the highest group of individuals likely to be uninsured in the modern world.

The RedEye reported that seventeen percent of ages 18-29 revealed needing but not receiving medical attention in the past year because their could not afford it, let alone seeing a dentist. Gross. Around fifteen percent suffer from chronic conditions such as asthma, diabetes, and cancer. Not to mention twenty four percent of us are obese. In 2007 twenty nine percent of young adults were uninsured, or approximately 13.2 million people.

This bill would change that, and I'm not saying it would make life in America easier or fairer. It would basically say all employers have to provide insurance among a very very long list of other things. The one this I exceptionally like about this bill, which if passed would not go into affect until 2013 (after most of us graduate) is that it would allow young adults to stay under their parents coverage until reaching the age of twenty seven. That would most certainly make me feel better.

Realizing that young adults are the largest group of uninsured Americans might change your opinion on the health care bill, it might not. The point is, there are millions of people just like you and me, who don't have health insurance and it is extremely detrimental to your overall health in the long run (especially the tooth thing!). Also realize, that if you don't have a more than decent job directly after graduation, you too will be on the insurance-out scrounging the shelves of CVS and boggling your brain with too many drug labels. This is not a call to support Obama's health care plan, it is a call to plan, plan a healthy future so you don't end up sneezing blood all over your employer and subsequently getting the boot to the streets.

In other news, a new alternative for marijuana, mary jane, canibis, weed, green, whatever you call it, has shown up on the consumer market. In health related issues, this may calm your stomach, or really just sooth the pain as you fight H1N1 and may come in handy, legally.

It's called K2, and it consists of dried herbs, resembling oregano and/or marijuana, that are laced with "chemicals" (the RedEye does not go into further detail). It looks like the real thing, it smokes like the real thing, it has the same effects. And it's legal, right now.

Why you ask? Because modern "weed-laws" don't cover the synthetic stuff. I'm sure sometime, sooner than the health care bill, it will become legally out of reach but until then you can visit this site. So if you're uninsured and in a rut, try the legal alternatives to marijuana (I don't actually recommend that, the whole synthetic-ized oregano thing freaks me out), to ease your pain.

Moral of the day: Plan your future, enlighten yourself with the pros and cons of the new health care bill, vote for it if it ever becomes possible, stay healthy, and "smoke weed er'ry day".

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Woman Allergic to New Husband's Sperm, Wednesday November 4, 2009

So. Umm.

Let me start that again.


So. Umm. Imagine getting married and having sex for the first time without a condom on your wedding night and finding yourself in excruciating pain. Why you ask? Ohhhh, you're allergic to your husband's sperm... right. Glad we got the awkward part out of the way, on with the news!

In 2002, long time friends Micheal and Julie Boyde started dating one year after starting a new life at college, "I didn't ask her out until after our first year in college," Mike Boyde, 27, said. "We were just friends the whole way through high school."

The couple became engaged two years later. They married in 2005 and spent their wedding night at a bed and breakfast. Excited that this new chapter had their life on a roll, the only missing piece to their puzzle was a bouncing baby. But shortly after marriage, unprotected sex became a painful routine because Julie Boyde is allergic to her husband's semen.

Julie Boyde said, "Before we were always very careful and, you know, used protection, and that time we didn't so, we figured we were married now, so if we got pregnant, we got pregnant. Pretty much right after, I knew something was not right because I was in a lot of pain," she said. "The pain that I was feeling was inside, kind of like, somebody was sticking needles up inside of me and like a burning, like really painful burning."

OUCH! So what's the deal with this allergy?

What kinds of allergic reactions can people have to semen?
People can have localized problems after immediate contact with semen. They can have burning, pain and swelling that can occur for long periods of time. Typically it affects the outer vaginal vault area, though it can also affect the inner vault. Some women describe severe burning and pain, where it feels like 1,000 needles have been injected in them at one time.

Some people can have a systemic response that involves trouble with breathing, hives and soft tissue swelling. In rare cases, people have had what we call vascular collapse or anaphylaxis where they can pass out. But we haven't had any fatalities that we're aware of with this condition; deaths are more likely to occur as the result of a classic anaphylactic response. And some people can have both localized and systemic responses.
Symptoms can last from hours to days. They typically occur within 20 to 30 minutes, most often within five minutes.
What in semen are people allergic to?
People are allergic to proteins in semen. We don't really know which proteins are responsible at this point. Many of the proteins associated with the semen allergy are believed to be common proteins found in all semen, but it's also possible for people to be allergic to a protein that is unique to an individual.

The systemic reaction is believed to be linked to a specific IgE antibody that is triggered by the protein; this antibody response is similar to what occurs in people who have seasonal allergies. There are probably multiple causes of the localized reaction. A delayed type of hypersensitivity response similar to what occurs with poison ivy may be involved.
Did you know that was possible? I sure didn't.

GMA reported,
The condition is called seminal plasma hypersensitivity, and an estimated 20,000 to 40,000 women in the United States may have it, Goldstein said.

(ps this is like 40,000 people, and I find it funny that I actually stumbled on this picture with 40,000 grooms and brides)
Jonathan Bernstein, an immunologist at the University of Cincinnati Medical Center, said, "It can be systemic and present anaphylaxis where individuals have not just localized discomfort. They actually can have hives, soft tissue swelling … and, in the severe situations … they can ... potentially die."
But the diagnosis can be devastating for women like Boyde, who are hoping to get pregnant.
"In a person with a semen allergy, you can have infertility because the body is attacking the sperm, making them inactive, so they are unable to fertilize the egg," Goldstein said.
For religious reasons in vitro fertilization was not an option for the Boydes.

But a revolutionary new treatment offers hope for these poor sperm-ulated women. Goldstein has developed a desensitization treatment. The treatment is like receiving an allergy shot, ewww shots. But it works, its worth it, this shpeel might kill you. Goldstein said that after determining the three proteins in Mike Boyde's semen that triggered his wife's reaction, the lab created a serum from his semen that is used almost like a vaccine to immunize his wife.

Sad to say, these shots did not work for Julie and they are currently looking into adoption. So ladies, watch out for the sperm that might make your baby-maker cringe. We hear it's pretty painful.

Moral of the day: Take your vitamins, drink water, stay healthy, and test the sperm you come into contact with before the actual contact. If you're drunk, take a sample and tell the guy you'll be back in an hour or so.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Will the Real Jon Gosselin Please... Go Away Already November 2, 2009

Has anyone out there gotten enough of Jon Gosselin in the media? And yes we are aware that we put a picture up of Jon Gosselin seemingly smoking a non-cigarette.

As you can see, the media coverage on this guy is Tmichealjackson minus 8. So what do I see this morning when I turn on Good Morning America? Jon Gosselin going to a spiritual adviser for... advice. From what I've seen, it's kind of obvious he needs some sort of advice, but what got me angry was when it was reported that the spiritual advisor said Gosselin can be a better man ... "and we know this because the meeting was in public" said one of GMAs anchormen.

OF COURSE! When you need some spiritual advice on how to deal with fame and your family... you should do it in public! That makes complete sense.
GMA further reported that, while talking "to" Rabbi Shmuley Boteach (we love the name!!) Gossilin said "I think I'm just misunderstood, umm you know, uhh, like I said I'm not a fame seeker". (Yes that is the tabbi with Micheal Jackson, the most famous dead man ever)

From watching the GMA clip, all you can see is Senor Jon talking about his pitiful life and Mr. Spirit Man nodding encouragingly. Seems pretty spiritual to me. The story also went into his new/ex/maybe girlfriend Hailey Glassman is complaining about verbal abuse... how Jon gave Kate a "private" apology for his actions ... how his life is misunderstood as he put it. Enough already! I want to know more about this Shmuley guy... much more interesting.

The only words out of the rabbi's mouth, when asked about Jon's behavior was, "I think he's under phenomenal pressure and not that there's any excuse for it but there is an explanation for it" Can someone please send the coast guard to this island that is flooding with double standards and media nonsense? Obviously stress in no excuse, its only an explanation... not that there is any god damn difference!
Jon Gosselin is a media hog. He has awarded himself with an avalanche of bad media throughout the last year and in return he was publicly spiritually "evaluated" so everyone who is either addicted to the saga, or unfortunately stumbled upon it will know that , "No! I am not a bad man!"

Definitely the kind of news I like to wake up to.
Moral of the day: Carry an airplane styled puking bag before you turn on channel 7, or any other nonsense news channel for that matter.